This blog is primarily about my process of trying to become a mom, which to-date has involved a diagnosis of endometriosis (explaining 7 years of misdiagnosed chronic pain), a laparoscopy, three cycles of Clomid and four of Superovulation IUI, the first of which was successful but led to the unexplained miscarriage of a genetically normal little boy. This was followed by many months of tests which revealed mild hypothyroidism but no solid clues as to why my body terminated the pregnancy. After that was a failed IVF cycle that yielded only 2 mature eggs. Turns out that although I’m 35, I’ve got the eggs of a 45-year-old, and my ovaries just aren’t responding to drugs anymore. Apparently, I’m following in my mom’s early menopausal footsteps (she had her last period at 36 – significantly, however, she managed to squeeze out a gaggle of kids first). At some point I’m going to need to jump off this merry-go-round and get on with my life, but for the moment, my cold fingers are still clutching to this particular dream.
I’ve got a good man with whom I run a consulting business (his dream, not mine, but it works with my psycho appointment schedule), friendships I’m struggling to navigate, and a complicated relationship with my faith.
As an aside, I know from previous blogging attempts that I am actually far too private a person to have a blog, and yet I persist. I’m chalking it up to a need for catharsis – and perhaps a remote hope that it will somehow lighten your load, make you feel less alone, or at least mildly amuse you. Or maybe it’s just my need to expel words. At any rate, here it is.
**In a major plot twist, I got – I can really only say miraculously – pregnant. From sex. For free. Just like in the movies. With mere months left on what my doctor professed to be my biological stopwatch – finding this out on the very day that I was scheduled to start a last-ditch attempt at aggressive IVF. These days I am mostly in awe that I get to be this girl.**