Eli's Corner

starting a new season

25 Comments

Ok, wrapping up here. The tone here is going to change a little.  We got home from drinks with our staff, and I realized I was a day late. I was annoyed, because we have a lot of travel planned in the fall, and the travel/IVF schedule only worked if I started on time.  I wanted another drink.  Since it seems poor form to continue drinking when you know you’re late, I dug around and found a lone pee stick in the bathroom.

Like any woman who’s been dealing with IF for any length of time, this was like my zillionth pee test. I saw the big minus sign pop up and I gave a bitter laugh. I’m not a girl who gets plusses. Once – only once had I gotten a plus – and it had sprung up instantly and vividly, changing my whole world forever, although not in the way I had wanted it to. Returning to the present, I set the testament to my failure on the ledge of the bathtub and went to wash my hands. When I picked it up to throw it away, I stopped, examined it closer. There was not a line, not even close. But there was a shadow – a hint of a shadow – not continuous, but in the general area where a line would be. I was perhaps crazy. I wasn’t even sure if I was seeing it. I ran downstairs to show it to B who told me he saw what I was seeing but said there was no way that was a line. He said try to forget about it.

I said, “Yeah, you’re right,” and went to bed and dreamed about positive pregnancy tests. The next morning I got up early, saving my first pee of the day, and tried to sneak out to buy more tests. B woke up.

“Where are you going?”

“Just to the grocery store to pick up some things.”

“You poor thing.”

“Why?”

“You’re so hopeful.”

I shrugged.

“Try to control your expectations.”

“I can’t.”

He looked at me not so much with sympathy as with pity. I ducked out the door.

I came back a while later with pantyliners (for my period) and two different kinds of pregnancy tests.

I took the digital one first – no blurry lines, no ambiguity. I peed on it and waited like 25 years.

Then it popped up, clear as day “Pregnant.”

It would have been appropriate in that moment to say something like “My soul praises the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Saviour,” but I actually said “Holy Shit” a bunch of times. And then I stopped because I realized those were like the first words I’d ever spoken about this kid. And then I started laughing. And then I started sobbing convulsively. And that went on for a while.

The previous morning, an old refrain from an old church I briefly attended as a kid had planted itself in my brain.  All I remembered of it was

Oh what a wonderful Saviour to me

All I have needed Thou hast provided

What a wonderful, wonderful Saviour to me

I sang it once, then felt strangely like I meant it. I hadn’t felt a sentiment like that for a long time. I did not feel like he had provided what I had needed, and while he seemed fine to others, I certainly did not feel like he had been wonderful to me.  Even in church, I’d edit songs while singing them, skipping the lines about how God never fails, because I felt like, yes, sometimes he really does fail. But somehow that old refrain was resonating with me that Friday morning, and it had stuck with me through the day.

And then here I was a day later with endometriosis, hypothyroidism and ovaries on the verge of extinction: pregnant. From sex. For free. No doctors involved. I never thought I’d be one of the ones who would have a baby from lovemaking. It felt so incredibly luxurious. Just the most ordinary, mundane, extravagant thing in the world.

Unlike many many stronger women I know, I had not clung to faith.  I’d given up hope.  I had not done all the right things medically either, but here was this gift. And it did seem like maybe “wonderful” was an appropriate word.

I called the fertility clinic. They put me on progesterone immediately.  I took a blood test.  Yes, pregnant, but thyroid levels had skyrocketed exponentially inside of a couple of weeks. They doubled down on my medication. Saturday I had spotting and cramping. I slipped into terror. Sunday I had more blood tests. HCG levels still strong.  We’ll just have to wait and see, they tell me.

So the entire spectrum between the poles of ecstasy and terror has been obliterated, and I slip directly from the one extreme to the other with every twinge and gurgle of my body. In this, I’m trying to remember to cling to that song. To cling to everything I knew one week ago looking at that pee stick. It’s going to be a very long wait, but I’m going to do my best to try out faith for a change this time. And I’m going to forgive myself if I fail, because the simple fact of this pregnancy tells me that sometimes even if I screw it all up, sometimes things still work together.

 

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Author: eli

I'm trying to become a mom. I write about that and other things here. Welcome to my little corner of the web.

25 thoughts on “starting a new season

  1. Congratulations! Try to stay hopeful, praying that everything goes right this time around! <3

  2. This is such wonderful news! I’m so pleased for you. Wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy ahead x

    • Thank you so much. I just caught up on your blog – I guess you haven’t posted in a while, but I’d gotten so behind with everybody that I hadn’t seen your updates in May. I’m so deeply sorry for your loss with this last IVF. Don’t know what else to say. Sending healing thoughts your way and hoping for your peace and that the impossible becomes possible for you. Thanks for your kind thoughts even in the middle of what you’re going through. You’re lovely and amazing.

  3. Wowee!!!! Congratulations x

    • Thanks, Betty! So very much hoping this is IVF is the one. I feel like anything’s possible right now, so I’m sending some of that hope your way xo

  4. I don’t even know you and I practically teared up reading this. What a wonderful, beautiful thing :) I am so happy for you. xx

  5. Yeay!! I’m so glad! Congratulations, I’m very happy for you. Not only it’s a wish come true but also it gives hope to all of us still struggling. I even read a good part of it to my husband, since I love the way you write and how similar I would be in your situation. I wish you a wonderful pregnancy and a beautiful healthy baby. Keep us posted!

  6. What an amazing surprise and gift!!! Awesome! Sometimes God just does what He does, for His own reasons! Praying this one sticks! (And yes- I get it with every twinge and cramp! Torture!)

  7. This is so beautifully written.

    Congratulations!

  8. WOW! Yay and also congratulations! No matter what happens YOU will not screw anything up. One day at a time, lots of deep breathing.

  9. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!! Congrats!!!

  10. Best of luck! I had the same thing happen after my laparoscopy. I was supped to take clomid. After a while, I took a pee test, and it was very, very faint. Since I had never had need to take a pregnancy test in the previous 15 years, I assumed that was negative also. 2 weeks later and very frustrated and depressed, I took another test, and pretty much had the same reaction as you. I had given up all hope. Throughout the pregnancy I had nightmares about things going wrong, knowing that would probably be my one chance thanks to the endo that always returns. I hope for you that all stays well. You deserve it.

    • Thank you, Kathy! It’s good to hear your story. So glad it worked out for you! No nightmares for me at this point, just good old fashioned neurosis. I’m hoping once I pass the point where I miscarried before, I’ll be able to ease into this a bit more. I’ve got an ultrasound next week that’ll be a pretty big milestone for me. Just got to take it one day at a time! I figure this kid is probably warrior spawn just to have lodged him/herself into my uterus to begin with, so I think our odds are good.

      • I wish you the best of luck. It is a precarious time with hoping it goes well, and stressing about the downfalls. I’m very happy for you! Enjoy every minute of the journey, each milestone as they pass.

  11. Sweetie! Congratulations!!! This makes me sooo happy, so over the moon for you. I can’t believe how much I’ve missed but I’ve been thinking of you and so ecstatic to come across this news. Tears in my eyes, it’s just so freaking wonderful. So many hugs my lovely xxoo

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