Eli's Corner

in search of quiet knowing


Hi all.

Just wanted to drop in and let you all know I’m still alive.

We met with our doctor to discuss my dismal IVF response.  Apparently all the doctors at the clinic met to discuss my case.  I hate being special.  After looking at my eggs under a microscope, she was able to confirm that I have the eggs of a much older woman.  I knew that already – because AMH + my family history + the internet helped me figure that out.  She was the one who was all blowy-offy about my AMH results (which I had to push her to even have done in the first place), telling me that it would have no impact on IVF.  I knew different. I also hate being right.

Basically, my eggs are crusty, and there aren’t many of them.  They had me on the most aggressive hormone protocol they use, and I only got 2 mature eggs.  Evidently, there is no amount of hormones that will cause my body to respond differently.  Here’s the kicker though: immediately after telling us that, she says that all the doctors decided that the thing for me to do is go with something called “aggressive IVF” where they max out all the drugs and also inject me with Human Growth Hormone.  Will it work?  They don’t know.  It’s kind of experimental.  What will it look like if it works? I might get one or two more eggs.  Will they be any good? Probably not.  But I can do supplements and acupuncture to try to make them better.  (I’ve been doing supplements and acupuncture for three years, but never mind all that.)  What’s that?  You want to know if your miscarriage was a shitty egg issue?  Probably.  Will it happen again?  Oh – don’t worry about it – you’re not considered high risk until you have had three miscarriages.  (Pause for me to repeatedly bang my head on her desk.)  This aggressive IVF, it’s much more expensive than IVF, and your odds of succeeding are extremely low.  So when do you want to start?  Because you wouldn’t want to quit after just one failed cycle.

Just one failed cycle.  Have you been here for the last three years?  Those seven cycles leading up to this one? The surgery? The miscarriage? The D&C? The career I had that no longer exists? The life that has been put entirely on pause?  The tens of thousands of dollars poured into absolutely nothing?  The conversion of my body from something that belongs to me into a laboratory? Have you seen the stress on my marriage? The friendships I’ve lost? The dreams that have slipped, one by one, through my fingers?  Just. One. Failed. Cycle.

And now you want me to throw money that isn’t there at something that won’t work, prolonging my misery even more so that you can all sit in a room and analyze the results?  Or whatever it is that you get out of this.  ?

But it’s hard to walk away entirely.  I asked how quickly I was in decline.  She said I probably had a year before there was absolutely no point in trying anymore.

Needless to say, this was not where I was expecting this all to end.  I truly don’t know what we’ll do.  We’re considering trying this stupid option.  We’re talking about adoption, about not having kids, about other ways of having meaning in life.  There is a very real element of relief in the idea of not being in this horrid process anymore.  I even binge watched “Call the Midwife” last week without feeling all emotional about all the babies.  It was like watching a tribe in the Amazon whose lives and customs were unknowable to me.  I felt outside it in a good, disengaged, not hurt by it all way.  But last night I dreamt I had a daughter.  That she came out with a full head of hair because she’d been kicking around in there since the IVF.  My subconscious doesn’t know yet that we’re trying to move on.  When I’m honest with my heart, I still hope.  It’s a miracle that I hope for now, not a successful IVF cycle.

Right now in this not knowing, I’m exploring neglected, non-baby parts of me, and I’m listening.  To my own instincts, to my desires, to my husband’s thoughts and longings.  I’m listening for the whisper of the holy spirit – it usually comes in the form of peace…of quiet knowing.  I’m waiting for that quiet knowing.  I need it so very much.


Author: eli

I'm trying to become a mom. I write about that and other things here. Welcome to my little corner of the web.

17 thoughts on “in search of quiet knowing

  1. Awe girl! I am so sorry!!

    Jesus looked at them and said, “with man this is impossible but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

  2. Well that totally sucks! I hope you come to a decision you are at peace with soon. xx

  3. Wishing you the best of luck and a clear head in making this decision. I wish docs wouldn’t pressure women like this. You should do whatever feels right to YOU and for your family/relationships/marriage. These decisions aren’t easy and they aren’t one size fits all.

  4. I am so sorry about all of this. I hope you can find peace and the quiet place to make these big decisions. I’m with Fox too – pressure from doctors isn’t helpful.

    I only had 2 mature eggs first round, then 1 mature egg second round and I’ve decided I’m going to go for one more last ditch round. If it’s more of the same, I need to draw a line under it all and move on. You’re right – it takes over everything in your life and craps all over it. Marriage? Crapped on. Career? Exploding cow patted on. Friends? Ever dwindling as things get crapper. Hobbies? Mainly complaining about IVF and lying face down crying. Crap everywhere.

    I hope that once you start to get together a plan and work out how you move forward things become easier. I find that limbo is not a good place to be in for too long. A while ago my husband told me that if we don’t have children we can still have a brilliant life, even if it’s not the one we wanted. I believe at the time I wanted to pull his hair out, but now I am starting to imagine a childless life and how it would work.

    Have they suggested any different supplements for you if you do go ahead with another round? Sorry, this is long and mainly about me. My usual commenting MO :/ I am thinking of you and hoping you reach your decision soon xxx

    • Ha! Clearly, we have the same commenting MO ;) The doctor didn’t suggest anything new in the way of supplements, other than the Human Growth Hormone, if you call that a supplement.

      I like you. I think we’d be friends, and I’m so sorry you’re also stuck on this impossibly shitty merry-go-round. I really hope this last ditch round defies all the odds and you can move on to dealing with nappies as opposed to envisioning your life without children. However this pans out, though, I think we’ll both make it. I think any woman who goes through all we’ve gone through is a fighter. I’m not saying it’ll be pretty if it happens…and I might be an angry, sad bitch for maybe like a few years…but ultimately, I’ll pull out of it. We’ll see where this all lands.

  5. Oh Eli I want to punch people when they say it’s just your first IVF. I guess unless you’re going through it, you just don’t see the impact the journey has on a marriage and the individuals in it.

    I wish the outcome wasn’t this for you. I don’t know much about egg quality but I have read blogs where women are taking DHEA (with success).. is that the growth hormone?

    If you’re going to supplement up even more, I can compare my list to yours to see if there’s anything that was recommended to me that you might be missing. That’s if you decide on another round.

    We’re so tired of this journey too. I doubt we can face more than 3 rounds of this. It’s scary to watch a dream fall apart but sometimes I think ‘well maybe we were meant to take a different road and maybe happiness will appear in different forms.’ There’s so much to process and I hope those whispers give you some comfort while you work it all out x

    • I agree – it makes me feel like a lab rat…easy for the people running the experiments to say it’s no big deal. I’ve taken DHEA in the past but wasn’t on it this last round – I did bring it up, but they had a reason (which now eludes me) for me not being on it again. If I do this again, I will ask. Otherwise, I’ve been on myinositol, coenzyme Q10, prenatals, fish oil, baby asparin, vitamin D…I think that’s it. I’m also on Synthroid. Sadly, the Human Growth Hormone is not DHEA – I looked it up – it’s the stuff they give to dairy cows to make them produce 20 gallons of milk a day. (Sounds lovely.)

      I’m so sorry we’re both in this…it’s just the shittiest. Hope your next IVF is THE IVF…and that you finally get that elusive BFP. I do believe there will be happiness for you…but I’d really like it to be this particular happiness. Thanks for your thoughts..

      • I’m sorry.
        Your post hit home with me because my life has been on pause and my career is shaky and no one understands the heart break.
        I am in the middle of my two week wait for my one and only IVF. I can’t afford a second.
        I’ve 3 spent years progressing from “timing” things right, to clomid, clomid with IUI, injectibles with IUI. I got 4 failed pregnancies.
        Hope springs eternal so I had to at least try IVF. The first cancelled cycle I had 3 eggs. All that medication for 3 eggs. The second protocol worked better, but there were not enough to freeze. I don’t think it will actually work, but I had to know I tried at least once.
        I’m relieved I don’t have the frozen option. I can’t do it anymore.
        Infertility is a terrible thing. People accidentally have children and then we just don’t.

        I wish you peace and happiness as you figure out what to do next.

        • Thank you so much. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. The wait is just the worst. I hope it passes quickly. And whatever the result, I wish you joy – and a full and wonderful life – and I really hope it’s with a child that you carry to term and into the world. I’m so sorry you’ve had four taken from you. It’s so brutally unfair. Hope you get what your heart longs for.

  6. Oh hun I’m in tears reading this. You have been through so fucking much, I’m so sick of hearing so called experts bang on about our ability to reproduce like we are lab rats. I hate that our lives suffer and become suspended while we keep trying. I can’t believe what they’ve told you, I don’t want to. Why does this have to be so hard. You have a lot to think about and I know whatever decision you come to it will be the best thing for you. Just know I’m holding your hand and supporting you in whatever you do. I wish I could give you a huge hug xxxxx

  7. Just checking in to say I’m thinking of you hun, sending love xx

  8. I’m so sorry about your news . . . praying for you.

  9. Sorry it didn’t work Eli :-( I just found your blog today and have read just a few posts but I can feel your pain! My journey has been similar and different in some ways. I have unexplained infertility. Tried for 3 years with my ex-husband, and I know how bad it can be in your life. That’s how it ended up being ex-doctor (they told me to relax and I would get pregnant), ex-husband (among other things he told me to forget about getting pregnant because that was causing us to not get pregnant), ex-house/car (gone with the divorce) and ex-friends (3 months of trying is not comparable to our stories, I just wanted to punch them).

    Now I am trying again with my wonderful husband, have been trying for 2 years and this new doctor has me in my second IUI FULL of hormones, I get what you say about feeling like a lab. I think I might try one more IUI and one IVF. If they don’t work, I’m giving up. Adopting or just a family of 2 forever. I cannot keep taking this. The toll is way too much.

    Hope you get peace. Not amount of praying and support has been able to make me feel 100% good, but it does help when the hope is lost to know there is a future without kids. A family is what you feel is a family, it doesn’t have to have kids.

    • Hey Amanda. Thanks for taking the time to comment. I’m so happy to hear that you’ve got a wonderful man in your life now and are finding your way through this toward whatever the future holds. I hope this is your IUI xx. I’m in talks with my doctor right now about doing one final IVF. Then I’m quitting this circus for good. Probably joining another circus, but the fertility treatments will be done. I will not miss them. I too feel like I’m pretty lucky with my husband, flawed as he is, and glad to know we’re going to make the most of the few moments we have on the planet, even if they don’t look the way our friends’ lives do or the way we wanted them to. There’s marrow to be sucked out of life even in the middle of heartbreak, and we’ll find it. Hope your heart finds all it needs in this journey!

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