I have 6 eggs. First of all, I realize I’m lucky to have 6 eggs. That said, in my orientation, my doctor told me to expect 10, but that was before she looked at my AMH results, which she quickly dismissed. So, much as I’ve been obsessing about my AMH level, part of me was still clinging to my doctor’s dismissal of it, and I was really hoping to have in the ballpark of 10 eggs. It was another doctor who did my ultrasound this morning, and he said that, given my AMH, 6 eggs makes sense. I think this all just feels a little more final now. The AMH is not a fluke. They didn’t mix up the results. My mom’s last period at 36 does have bearing on my life. And it makes me feel like, no, I probably won’t be doing this again. My time is limited. All that stuff.
We really struggled with the whole idea of IVF. I feel like IVF is a very personal journey, and everybody’s got a different process. Our process involved not wanting to leave a frozen embryo in limbo. I felt like I was ok freezing an embryo and knowing that I’d get to it later. DH told me I could get hit by a bus. I told him if I got hit by a bus, I felt like I was off the hook. Ultimately, we had to arrive at a decision that we were both comfortable with, and that was to only “mix” as many eggs as we were willing to have implanted, and then freeze the rest.
So we won’t be freezing embryos, but eggs. I know I could have an egg on ice and not stress about it, but if it were an embryo, I know I’d feel responsible for it until it was implanted. That seemed like a nice, easy decision when we had 10 imaginary eggs to deal with, but now that it’s fewer, and I know that the thaw survival rate is something like 75% for an egg, I feel like I just want to mix them all and not take any chances that none fertilize in the first round and we have to run the risk of losing a precious egg in the thaw process. But I’ve got to remember that the survival rate for a frozen embryo is only 50%. And I’ve got to just stick with what we decided. We decided it for a reason.
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that I’m tired. I have? Oh. Well, yes, I’m tired. At this point I just have to trust that whatever happens, all will be well. But I’m still crying just a little.