Eli's Corner

about time


I’m going through the motions of ICSI prep.  I’m a month and a half in on the supplements and have about a week and a half left on the pill before starting injections.

I am 100% not in the right headspace for this.  Ever since that break I took back in November, I have not been in this headspace.  I’m not ready to dive into this.  I’m completely overstressed in all areas of my life, and I’m not taking good enough care of my body right now, which is of course another source of stress.  

But I don’t fucking have time to not be in the right headspace.  Four months have passed since I got that “one year, maybe two” sentence.  I know that may be horseshit and I may have more time. But that rings in my head every single day. And deepening lines on my forehead, silver emerging where I’m no longer dying my hair (to avoid toxins), spots on my face and hands, and the general settling of my body remind me many times a day that it’s too late to be a young mother. It’s too late to be young.  

People stopping by with their accidental children conceived after my miscarriage, birthday parties of children who were in the womb at the same time I had a child in mine remind me that time waits for no one.  It charges forward, trampling anyone unable to climb aboard and ride the wave of appropriately placed life markers.  This is no time to not have my shit together.  This is no time to just not be able to handle it.

And yet I’m so exhausted right now that the thought of being pregnant after this is done is overwhelming. If I can put in one more month and be done for all time, I can handle that. But I can’t have this stretch out. Waiting with my breath held to see if I miscarry or not while everyone around me stupidly celebrates that I’m pregnant doesn’t sound like something I’m up for. Carrying a baby for 9 months and being a parent also doesn’t sound like something that I’m up for. I am ticking off a box so that I “will have done everything I can” before I move on.  But at this point, moving on is all that I feel like I have in me. This has broken me down, and I’m out of fight. Maybe I’ll find some. Maybe just need to care for myself and know my limitations. Right now I’m walking a very fine line between being able to cope and being very much not able to cope.  I’ve been here before, and it’s not a good place.  The timing couldn’t be shittier.





Author: eli

I'm trying to become a mom. I write about that and other things here. Welcome to my little corner of the web.

9 thoughts on “about time

  1. I wonder how many of us charge on so that we can tick of the box of having tried everything. I certainly feel that way. It sucks that the stuff we want can’t happen when we want it to. I quite hate the feeling of having all of my life swirling around me, and my brain not matching up with the rest of the goings-on.. Sending strength.

  2. I’m sorry you are struggling right now. It probably doesn’t help for me to tell you that you articulate it all beautifully does it? No, thought not. I hate the way time charges on… I keep looking at my friends who have 3 year olds and new babies and keep thinking how that could have been me if I hadn’t drawn the short straw. I’m not sure I can say anything to help apart from, it’s shit man. Shit. I am doing my best to keep my head down and get through another round, then maybe one more, then it’s over for me. Then I’ll know I tried and I can move on. I don’t think this endless unknown stretching out infront of us is good for the mind – I for one need structure and purpose, neither of which go hand in hand with fertility treatments.

    In theory (although the way my luck is going, who knows!) I will be starting stims around the same time as you… we can go mental together if you like? Xxx

    • Thanks, BB. I agree with everything you just said. The shittiness, the need for structure, all that. Much as I feel like I’m completely over this before I even begin, I can’t see myself turning back now that I’ve come this far, so yes, I’ll probably be starting stims pretty soon…if it works out for you, absolutely let’s go mental together. I’ll be going mental anyways, so I may as well do it with a buddy…I just so hope you can get off this merry-go-round this time.

  3. I’m so sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time right now! I’m sure that ticking clock certainly doesn’t help things at all! I will pray for peace for you. I hope your stimming goes excellent!

  4. Oh girl I hate that you are struggling. We all have those days or even weeks. I’m praying for you to have peace! I hope everything this cycle goes excellent for you.

  5. Oh honey this post is so beautiful and so poignant and so heartbreaking. I get how you are feeling, I’ve had those same discussions with myself so many times. It can be so overwhelming. Please keep us posted on when you will be starting stims so I can support you and send you love and luck. Here for you hun, totally understanding how you’re feeling. So many hugs sweetie xxx

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