I’m going through the motions of ICSI prep. I’m a month and a half in on the supplements and have about a week and a half left on the pill before starting injections.
I am 100% not in the right headspace for this. Ever since that break I took back in November, I have not been in this headspace. I’m not ready to dive into this. I’m completely overstressed in all areas of my life, and I’m not taking good enough care of my body right now, which is of course another source of stress.
But I don’t fucking have time to not be in the right headspace. Four months have passed since I got that “one year, maybe two” sentence. I know that may be horseshit and I may have more time. But that rings in my head every single day. And deepening lines on my forehead, silver emerging where I’m no longer dying my hair (to avoid toxins), spots on my face and hands, and the general settling of my body remind me many times a day that it’s too late to be a young mother. It’s too late to be young.
People stopping by with their accidental children conceived after my miscarriage, birthday parties of children who were in the womb at the same time I had a child in mine remind me that time waits for no one. It charges forward, trampling anyone unable to climb aboard and ride the wave of appropriately placed life markers. This is no time to not have my shit together. This is no time to just not be able to handle it.
And yet I’m so exhausted right now that the thought of being pregnant after this is done is overwhelming. If I can put in one more month and be done for all time, I can handle that. But I can’t have this stretch out. Waiting with my breath held to see if I miscarry or not while everyone around me stupidly celebrates that I’m pregnant doesn’t sound like something I’m up for. Carrying a baby for 9 months and being a parent also doesn’t sound like something that I’m up for. I am ticking off a box so that I “will have done everything I can” before I move on. But at this point, moving on is all that I feel like I have in me. This has broken me down, and I’m out of fight. Maybe I’ll find some. Maybe just need to care for myself and know my limitations. Right now I’m walking a very fine line between being able to cope and being very much not able to cope. I’ve been here before, and it’s not a good place. The timing couldn’t be shittier.