Three at-home BFNs, menstrual cramps, zero pregnancy symptoms – even all the fake progesterone-induced ones I had are now gone. Waiting for either AF or the blood test results to be posted. I want them to be posted today so that I can drink all the wine in the world and fall apart tonight because tomorrow night I have a birthday party to go to and Sunday is Thanksgiving with the in-laws.
I’m 99% sure I’m not pregnant, but that 1% is enough to keep me taking pills and horrible hormones and not having the drink I so desperately want right now.
I don’t suppose I have to tell you that I’m heartbroken. That if any IUI were going to work, it should have been this 4-follicle IUI. That it’s now beginning to hit me that this, legitimately, is not working. That the pregnancy on the first IUI is starting to feel like it must have been some kind of fluke.
My 35th birthday and the 3-year mark of undergoing fertility treatments are looming before me in the next couple months. I had them test for AMH when they were taking my blood yesterday. That will hopefully give me a sense of whether or not I’m following in my mother’s extremely early menopause footsteps.
Even as the pressure of time is bearing down on me, I’m realizing that my mind, my ovaries and my emotional self can’t take on another round right now. And the next round will be IVF. And I think it’ll just have to be next year.