Eli's Corner

confessional

8 Comments

My sisters, I have a few things to confess to you on this rainy afternoon, the second day of what is approximately my 30th two week wait:

1. I don’t feel like this is going to work.  I try not to admit that to myself, in case the negative thoughts chase the sperm away, or in case I discredit God with my lack of faith, but this is confession, so I’m telling you.

2. I don’t know if I’m as strong as you are.  Some of you have been doing this for ten years.  Some of you have lost many babies. Some of you have done multiple rounds of IVF.  I don’t know how you keep going.  I truly don’t.  I feel like I’m reaching my end here.

3. I’m afraid of IVF.  The doctor has told us this should probably be our last round of IUI.  I was really hoping not to go on to IVF.  I’m afraid of the retrieval process.  I’m afraid of having unused embryos.  I’m afraid of the investment – financial, emotional, and physical.  I’m afraid of taking more drugs.  I’m afraid of getting cancer or having a heart attack because of all the drugs I’ve already been taking.

4.  I’ve come to identify with being infertile.  There’s a sick part of me that feels resistant to let it go.  Not because I like it – I hate every bit of it.  It’s more about other people than me – I feel like if I were to get pregnant now, the agony I’ve been living will be summed up as, “Oh yeah, it took her a couple years to get pregnant.”  Somehow I want my pain to be important enough.  I feel like I want something to show for this which will elicit what I feel to be an appropriate response for how much it continues to end me…which is unfortunate, because the very definition of this is having nothing to show for it.  Getting your pain legitimized in the court of public opinion is, I imagine, a poor substitute for happiness.  But this is confession, and this is one of the slimy things squirreling around in my brain.

5.  I want to complain.  These things aren’t a really big deal, but this is confession, and I want to complain that it took the nurse multiple attempts to get the catheter into my cervix, and I was still hurting a day later.  I want to complain that my tummy is still bruised and sore from all my injections.  I want to complain that the progesterone suppositories make me feel like I hate everybody and everything.  And that they make me feel pregnant.  I want to complain that I have to take a million pills and avoid all kinds of food and drink and duck and weave in conversations all the time to avoid topics that will make me cry.  I want to complain that so much of my hair has fallen out from my thyroid medication that I now self-consciously side-part and fluff it every day.  I want to complain that I’m almost as afraid of being pregnant as I am of not being pregnant.

Enough.  I know you will understand, and I thank you for it.

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Author: eli

I'm trying to become a mom. I write about that and other things here. Welcome to my little corner of the web.

8 thoughts on “confessional

  1. Oh hon, all your feelings are completely understandable and justified. It’s not your fault you feel the way you do, it’s this horrible situation that’s been thrust upon you. You didn’t choose this. It’s so unfair that IF takes away our confidence and strength and causes us to question ourselves, our situation, our lives. But don’t forget that you are so strong, you are doing the best you can one day at a time. And although we don’t yet know what the outcome will be, you will get through this. Hugs xx

  2. PS I for one feel very hopeful and confident for you, even if you don’t xx

  3. I appreciate everything about this. Thanks so much. May you have the strength you need for every day of this 2ww!

    • Thank you. And thank you for consistently speaking truth into this process through your blog. You are consistently uplifting while still being honest. It’s like a little haven. Thanks so much.

  4. Ok, so we have been TTC for almost two years now, with one of those years receiving fertility treatment. We have just finished our 5th/6th IUI which was back to back, and I am now 4 DPO. I have read many, many, MANY things (websites, books, blogs, etc.) and this is the first time I am actually reading something honest. Something worth my time. Thank you. I prayed to God that I needed help getting through this two week wait. I’m grateful he led me here. Thank you!

    • Hi Carrie. I teared up a bit reading your comment. One grasps for any shred of redemption in this process. Thanks for taking a moment to say this.

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