Eli's Corner

re-entering the ring (think Rocky, bleeding out his eyelids, screaming, “Adrian”)…it’s about like that

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So H2 is not pregnant either.  And I have an appointment with a new fertility doctor tomorrow.  (I followed my old doctor to a new clinic for this last round of IUI, but they’re not organized yet, and since they don’t have their own pharmacy, they don’t have access to Puregon due to a national shortage which does not affect the old clinic on account of it having stockpiled the stuff in its pharmacy.  [My mother would be appalled at that run-on sentence.  {I think it’s technically correct, but it’s very bad form.}])  I must be using grammar as a defense mechanism.  Puregon was what worked for me before – got me three decent follicles, whereas with this round, using Gonal-F, I only had one solid one…the nurse explained to me that it could have been just chance, but as this process makes one crazy, I just want to replicate the conditions of the first IUI round as much as I can.  I would recite the pledge of allegiance backwards while hopping on one foot if I thought it would help.  Anyways, so I’m going back to the clinic I was at before (which was my second fertility clinic…there have been three now).

After this double defeat with H2, I’m less hopeful about this next round, but I don’t know what else to do.  This is my year to try everything I possibly can, so I’m trying again as soon as they’ll let me.

H2 is nearing the end of her ability to continue with this.  Of course there is the psychological and emotional toll that 8 years of this will take out of a person, and then there are also financial concerns with continuing to try – because in case you didn’t know, this is hella expensive.  And of course I feel like if she is to quit, I want it to be because she feels that she must quit, not because of stupid money.  So I’m afraid I filled her inbox with fundraising ideas and promises to leverage all of our friends and my fundraising know-how to make this happen.  Poor girl, like she needs to deal with my excessive fundraising enthusiasm at a time like this.  But somehow focusing my thinking on figuring out a way to help come up with $10-$20k to either fund IVF or a second adoption seems like a lifeline to me.  That to me seems totally doable.  Healing H2’s body is sadly out of my reach, but money…I just feel like that’s something I could work with.  We’ll see where they’re at and what they decide to do, but if I get the go-ahead, expect to see a crowd-sourcing fundraising page popping up here and to hear me begging you to jump on board.  You’ve been warned.

And then, all deflection aside, I’m just sad.  Very sad.  This dream that was at one point so close for each of us seems to be slipping farther and farther away.  I’m tired, and I am sad.

My counsellor says all I need is to know that I can do this next round – that I don’t need to burden myself with anything beyond that point.  So I’m trying to just think that far, and yes, I can do one more round.


Author: eli

I'm trying to become a mom. I write about that and other things here. Welcome to my little corner of the web.

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