Eli's Corner

10 things not to say to someone who has just had a miscarriage

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These are all things that have been said to me in the past couple of months in response to or almost immediately following news of my miscarriage.  And things I wanted to say in return, but didn’t.  I am done talking to people.

  1.  “I don’t think I know anyone who hasn’t had a miscarriage.”  Obviously, you haven’t.
  2. “My heart is breaking for you; in other news, my daughter got a callback for a minivan commercial.” A separate paragraph would have been good for the other news.
  3. “That’s not as bad as what so-and-so is going through.”  I don’t need to have this measured, thanks.
  4. “I have 3 kids, and I wouldn’t mind giving a couple of them back.”  If I ever am able to have a child, I will never say that.
  5. “You’d better have kids before I die.”  Oops, my bad.  I only let my child die because I lacked the proper motivation to keep it alive.
  6. “I’m sure you’ll get pregnant again.”  A) No, you’re not.  B) My child just died.  Did you catch that part?
  7. “So that procedure worked, so you’ll just do it again, right?”  Sure, yeah, no problem.
  8. “You want to hold my baby for the group photo?”  Um, no, as I just mentioned, I’m already carrying a dead baby at the moment.  Somehow in your mind this is a nice gesture, not a cruel joke one, but, um, really?
  9. “I just don’t know how I’m going to be able to handle the lack of sleep when my baby comes.”  Fair enough, but I’m probably not the person to talk to about that.
  10. “Don’t they just give you a DNC and scrape it out?”  Yes.  It’s like magic.  No problem.

Bear in mind, we hadn’t announced our pregnancy broadly, so anybody I’d be talking to about a miscarriage would be pretty close to us.  These aren’t people who don’t care.

Moral of the story is, if you’re at a loss for words, just be at a loss for words.


Author: eli

I'm trying to become a mom. I write about that and other things here. Welcome to my little corner of the web.

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