Eli's Corner

More Script Changes


My baby, small but scrappy in last week’s ultrasound, was silent in today’s.  Its fierce little heart has stopped.

Once again, I am confounded by trajectories and deeply aware of how small and powerless I am.

And yet, impossibly, through the fits of tears and completely unexpected range of thoughts that have kept me awake tonight, I feel very much like I’ve been prepared for this.  I had no idea that it was this I was being prepared for, but as I arrive here, it’s like someone walked this trail ahead of me leaving supplies, which I put in my pack as I went, not knowing what I would need them for.  Yet at this moment, here they all are – that passage from the Psalms I’ve been weirdly drawn to for weeks, the sudden and odd (and guilt-inducing) emotional detachment from my pregnancy over the past few days, even my last post, which meant something totally different to me when I wrote it, now reads eerily like it was written for this moment.  And this is the moment I need to get through.  Just this one.  And I am bewildered to find I am equipped for this moment.


Author: eli

I'm trying to become a mom. I write about that and other things here. Welcome to my little corner of the web.

2 thoughts on “More Script Changes

  1. i’m so sorry. there are no comforting words that can mean enough.. i’m just so sorry.

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